Communicating With Adab: How to Ask the Right Questions

The getting-to-know-you phase is crucial—it's your opportunity to assess compatibility while maintaining Islamic boundaries. Here's how to have meaningful conversations with proper adab (etiquette).

The Framework: Purpose-Driven Conversations

Every conversation should move you toward a clear decision: is this person compatible for marriage? Avoid aimless chatting that blurs boundaries and wastes time.

Essential Questions to Ask

About Faith and Practice

"Describe your relationship with salah. What helps you stay consistent?"
"Which Islamic scholar or teacher has influenced you most?"
"How do you handle situations where Islamic values conflict with cultural or workplace norms?"
"What role do you want the Quran to play in our future home?"

About Character and Values

"Tell me about a time you made a difficult ethical decision."
"How do you handle conflict with people close to you?"
"What are you currently working to improve about yourself?"
"Who are the people you admire most and why?"

About Family and Relationships

"How would you describe your relationship with your parents and siblings?"
"What family traditions or cultural practices matter most to you?"
"How involved do you expect extended family to be in our lives?"
"Have you dealt with family conflict? How did you handle it?"

About Marriage Expectations

"What does an ideal marriage look like to you on a daily basis?"
"How do you envision decision-making in our household?"
"What are your thoughts on working vs. staying home (for both partners)?"
"How would you approach raising children Islamically in Western society?"

About Practical Matters

"What are your career goals for the next 5-10 years?"
"Where do you see us living long-term?"
"How do you approach finances? Saving vs. spending?"
"Do you have any debts or financial commitments I should know about?"

About Past Experiences

"Have you been engaged or married before? What did you learn from that experience?"
"What past mistakes have taught you the most about yourself?"
"Are there any health issues—physical or mental—we should discuss?"

How to Ask Difficult Questions

1. Choose the Right Time

Don't bombard someone with heavy questions immediately. Build rapport first, then gradually go deeper.

2. Frame With Care

Instead of: "Do you have anger issues?" Try: "How do you typically handle frustration or disappointment?"

3. Be Willing to Answer Too

Never ask anything you're not prepared to answer yourself. Vulnerability should be mutual.

4. Listen More Than You Talk

Pay attention not just to what they say, but how they say it. Are they thoughtful? Defensive? Honest?

Red Flags in Communication

Avoiding direct answers to important questions
Getting defensive when asked about faith, family, or finances
Over-sharing inappropriate details too quickly
Love-bombing with excessive compliments before really knowing you
Rushing to commitment before covering crucial topics

Green Flags in Communication

Thoughtful responses that show self-awareness
Asking questions about your values and goals
Appropriate vulnerability that builds trust over time
Respectful boundaries around topics, timing, and tone
Consistency between what they say and what you observe

Maintaining Islamic Boundaries

Keep Conversations Purposeful

If you find yourself having romantic, flirtatious, or emotionally intimate conversations before commitment, reassess. This builds attachment before determining compatibility.

Involve a Third Party When Needed

For in-person meetings, have a mahram or chaperone present. This protects both parties and maintains the seriousness of the process.

Set Time Limits

The getting-to-know phase shouldn't drag on for years. A few weeks to a few months of purposeful conversation is usually sufficient.

Pray Istikhara

Seek Allah's guidance throughout the process, especially when you feel conflicted or need clarity.

Moving from Questions to Decision

Once you've covered the essential areas, it's time to decide:

Do our values align?
Can I respect this person's character?
Do we share compatible life goals?
Can I see myself building a life with them?

If yes, move forward. If no, end things kindly and promptly. If unsure, identify what specific information you still need and set a timeline for making a decision.

Have meaningful, purposeful conversations on Sahan. Our platform is designed for serious Muslims seeking marriage, not casual chatting. Download today.