Understanding Sahan's Marriage Mindset Insights Questions

Understanding the Marriage Mindset Insights Framework

In the journey toward marriage, one of the most overlooked aspects is the depth of conversation between potential spouses. At Sahan, we've developed the "Marriage Mindset Insights" — a comprehensive framework of 20 carefully crafted questions designed to help Muslim couples understand each other at a profound level before making one of life's most important decisions.

These aren't just conversation starters. They're windows into compatibility, values, and the foundation of a successful Islamic marriage. Let's explore each question, understand why it matters, and see real examples of how these discussions can save you from mismatched expectations.

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Part 1: Emotional Needs & Living Expectations

1. "What gives you peace and how can I give you that peace?"

Why This Matters: This question cuts to the heart of emotional needs and support in a marriage. Understanding what brings your spouse peace — and how you can actively contribute to that peace — is foundational to a harmonious relationship.

Real Examples:

• Scenario A: Amina finds peace through quiet time alone after work to decompress, but her potential spouse expects immediate engagement and conversation when she gets home. Understanding this need prevents daily friction.
• Scenario B: Yusuf finds peace in physical affection and words of affirmation. His potential spouse expresses love through acts of service but rarely verbalizes affection, leaving him feeling unloved despite her efforts.
• Scenario C: She finds peace in financial security and stability. He's an entrepreneur with fluctuating income who finds peace in pursuing his dreams. Their definitions of peace are fundamentally different.

Why Alignment Matters: Peace in a marriage isn't accidental — it's intentional. If you don't know what brings your spouse peace, you might unknowingly create the opposite. This question requires both self-awareness and a commitment to actively nurturing your partner's wellbeing.

Questions to Explore Deeper:

• What environment makes you feel most at peace?
• How can I recognize when you're not at peace?
• What are small daily things that contribute to your sense of calm?
• What disrupts your peace and how should I respond?

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2. "Where and how do you think a couple should live after marriage?"

Why This Matters: Your living situation affects daily life, privacy, family dynamics, and your ability to build your own marital identity. This is where culture often clashes with personal preferences.

Real Examples:

• Scenario A: Yasmin expects to live independently in their own apartment to build privacy and independence. Khalid's family expects them to live in the family home for the first few years, viewing it as duty and financial wisdom.
• Scenario B: One spouse dreams of living abroad for career opportunities while the other cannot imagine leaving their elderly parents.
• Scenario C: Both want independence but disagree on urban apartment living versus suburban family home.

Cultural Context: In many Somali families, living with or near parents is expected, especially for eldest sons or daughters. This isn't just about housing — it's about duty, respect, and family obligation.

Questions to Explore Deeper:

• What does "independence" mean to you?
• How do we balance respect for parents with our need for privacy?
• What's your non-negotiable regarding living arrangements?

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3. "What are your expectations around your spouse having a public or social presence online, professionally, or within the community?"

Why This Matters: In the digital age, public visibility raises complex questions about modesty, privacy, professional identity, and comfort levels. This question reveals boundaries and expectations that can cause significant conflict if not discussed upfront.

Real Examples:

• Scenario A: She's building a career as a content creator with a growing social media presence. He's uncomfortable with her being visible online and receiving attention from strangers, viewing it as immodest.
• Scenario B: He's active in community leadership and frequently speaks at events and conferences. She prefers a private life and feels anxious about being recognized as "his wife" in public.
• Scenario C: She posts family photos on Instagram for distant relatives. He considers any family photos online a violation of privacy and security.
• Scenario D: He has a professional LinkedIn presence and occasionally appears in company marketing. She worries about cross-gender interactions and comments on his professional posts.

Modern Context:

• Social media presence for business, dawah, or personal expression
• Professional visibility in careers requiring public engagement
• Community leadership roles that bring attention
• Privacy concerns in an increasingly connected world
• Different generational views on online presence

Islamic Considerations:

• Balance between beneficial public engagement and unnecessary exposure
• Modesty in presentation while maintaining professional presence
• Protecting family privacy while staying connected
• Intentions behind public visibility (showing off vs. beneficial purpose)

Questions to Explore Deeper:

• What platforms are you comfortable with your spouse using?
• How do you feel about professional photos or videos?
• What boundaries exist around posting about our marriage or children?
• How do we handle unwanted attention or comments?
• What's the difference between acceptable professional visibility and concerning exposure?

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4. "What do you believe are your main responsibilities and duties in a marriage, and what do you expect from your spouse?"

Why This Matters: Unspoken expectations are relationship killers. This question forces explicit conversation about roles, duties, and assumptions before resentment builds.

Real Examples:

• Scenario A: Aisha expects her husband to help with household chores since both work full-time. He was raised believing housework is entirely the wife's domain, even if she works.
• Scenario B: Ibrahim believes his primary role is financial provision and expects his wife to manage everything else. She views marriage as equal partnership in all areas.
• Scenario C: One partner expects daily quality time together while the other believes providing financially is showing love.

Islamic Perspective: The Prophet ﷺ helped with household chores, mended his own clothes, and served his family. This sets a precedent that contradicts rigid gender roles some cultures have adopted.

Questions to Explore Deeper:

• What did you see modeled in your parents' marriage?
• How do our working situations affect our expectations?
• What happens when someone can't fulfill expected responsibilities?

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5. "What's your comfort level with your spouse having personal time with friends or family, including social outings or occasional trips?"

Why This Matters: This question addresses boundaries around personal time, space, and independence within marriage. It reveals attachment styles, trust levels, and expectations about togetherness versus individuality.

Real Examples:

• Scenario A: She enjoys monthly girls' nights out with her friends — dinner, events, or just catching up. He views this as unnecessary time away from family and feels uncomfortable with evening outings.
• Scenario B: He wants to take an annual trip with his brothers or childhood friends. She feels excluded and worries about what happens on "guys' trips."
• Scenario C: She visits her parents every weekend, sometimes staying overnight. He feels their nuclear family should take priority and visits should be less frequent.
• Scenario D: He spends significant time at the masjid for community activities and halaqas. She supports his involvement but feels lonely when it's every evening.

Healthy Boundaries:

• Personal time doesn't mean neglecting spouse or family
• Independence within marriage is healthy when balanced
• Trust is built through transparency, not restriction
• Both partners deserve friendship and family connections

Potential Concerns:

• Excessive control disguised as care
• Isolation from support systems
• Neglecting spouse for friends or family
• Unbalanced expectations (what's okay for one should be okay for both)

Questions to Explore Deeper:

• How much personal time do you need to feel balanced?
• How do we communicate about plans that don't include each other?
• What would make you uncomfortable about my personal outings?
• How do we ensure quality time together while maintaining other relationships?
• What's the difference between healthy independence and neglect?

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Part 2: Family Planning & Communication

6. "How soon do you see yourself starting a family?"

Why This Matters: This question reveals your readiness for one of marriage's primary purposes in Islam — building a family. The timing can be influenced by career goals, financial stability, emotional readiness, and spiritual preparedness.

Real Examples:

• Scenario A: Ahmed wants children immediately after marriage, viewing it as a blessing and trust in Allah's provision. Sahra wants to wait 3-5 years to establish her career and financial security first.
• Scenario B: Both partners agree on waiting 2 years but for different reasons — one for financial preparation, the other due to career uncertainty.

Why Alignment Matters: Misalignment here can lead to resentment, pressure, and broken trust. One partner might feel their dreams are being delayed while the other feels rushed into a responsibility they're not ready for.

Questions to Explore Deeper:

• What does "ready" look like to you?
• How do you balance tawakkul (trust in Allah) with practical planning?
• What if unexpected pregnancy happens earlier or doesn't happen when planned?

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7. "How do you handle conflict or disagreements?"

Why This Matters: Conflict is inevitable. What matters is whether you fight fair, resolve issues constructively, and grow through disagreements rather than letting them create distance.

Real Examples:

• Scenario A: She needs to process emotions verbally and discuss issues immediately. He needs space to calm down and think before talking. This difference makes conflicts worse.
• Scenario B: He was raised in a home where shouting was normal. She comes from a family that used silent treatment. Both methods are harmful but familiar.
• Scenario C: One partner stonewalls (refuses to engage), while the other pursues (demands resolution), creating a toxic cycle.

Healthy vs. Unhealthy Conflict:

Unhealthy:

• Personal attacks and name-calling
• Bringing up past resolved issues
• Threatening divorce during arguments
• Yelling, intimidation, or physical aggression
• Silent treatment as punishment
• Involving others before resolving between spouses

Healthy:

• Using "I feel" statements instead of "You always"
• Taking breaks when escalated (with commitment to return)
• Focusing on specific issue, not character attacks
• Listening to understand, not just to respond
• Seeking solutions together
• Knowing when to involve neutral mediator

Questions to Explore Deeper:

• How did your parents handle conflict?
• What are your triggers that make you reactive?
• What helps you feel heard during disagreements?

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8. "What's your approach to money and financial responsibilities in a marriage?"

Why This Matters: Money is one of the top causes of divorce. This question reveals beliefs about saving, spending, debt, risk-taking, and priorities. Financial incompatibility causes stress that bleeds into every area of marriage.

Real Examples:

• Scenario A: She's a saver who finds security in emergency funds. He's generous with family and believes rizq (provision) comes from Allah, not saving.
• Scenario B: He has student debt he didn't disclose. She comes from a family that views all debt as shameful and haram.
• Scenario C: She wants to invest in property. He wants to send money to support extended family back home. Both are Islamic values but create tension when resources are limited.

Financial Discussions to Have:

1. Current Reality: Debt, income, savings, obligations to family
2. Spending Style: Saver vs. spender, impulsive vs. planned
3. Financial Goals: Home ownership, early retirement, hajj, children's education
4. Halal Boundaries: What counts as halal income, interest, questionable investments
5. Charity: How much, to whom, from joint or separate funds

Islamic Principles:

• Earning halal income is obligatory
• Avoiding riba (interest) is essential
• Spending on family is worship
• Balance between dunya and akhirah spending
• Mutual consultation (shura) in financial decisions

Questions to Explore Deeper:

• How do we make major financial decisions?
• What's our philosophy on debt?
• How do we balance current needs with future planning?

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Part 3: Spiritual Life & Practice

9. "How do you make time for your akhirah in daily life? What role does Islam play?"

Why This Matters: Marriage isn't just about companionship — it's a path to Allah. This question reveals whether your spiritual goals align and whether you'll grow together or apart in faith.

Real Examples:

• Scenario A: She prays all five daily prayers on time and attends Islamic classes regularly. He prays occasionally and views Islam as cultural identity more than daily practice. This difference will create distance over time.
• Scenario B: Both are practicing but differently — she focuses on personal spirituality while he's active in community dawah. They need to respect different manifestations of faith.
• Scenario C: One partner is on a strong spiritual growth trajectory while the other has plateaued or is comfortable with their current level.

Key Areas to Explore:

• Daily Prayers: Do you pray five times daily? On time? With concentration?
• Quran Relationship: Regular recitation? Understanding meanings? Memorization goals?
• Islamic Knowledge: Seeking knowledge? Attending halaqas? Reading Islamic books?
• Community: Active in masjid? Islamic events? Volunteering?
• Personal Ibadah: Night prayer, fasting, dhikr, duas
• Spiritual Goals: What do you want to improve? Where are you now vs. where you want to be?

Why This Is Non-Negotiable: You can't be married to someone who doesn't help you get to Jannah. Marriage should make you better Muslims, not distract you from Allah.

The Prophet ﷺ said: "A woman is married for four things: her wealth, her family status, her beauty, and her deen (religion). So you should marry the religious woman (otherwise) you will be a loser." (Bukhari)

Questions to Explore Deeper:

• How do we help each other grow spiritually?
• What if one person's faith journey takes a different path?
• How do we handle differences in practice while respecting each other?

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10. "What surah have you reached in Quran memorization or recitation?"

Why This Matters: This isn't about comparing or judging — it's about understanding your relationship with Allah's words. It reveals discipline, spiritual priorities, and whether you value Islamic knowledge.

Real Examples:

• Scenario A: He has memorized entire Quran. She knows the shorter surahs but struggles with tajweed. This difference could be inspiring or intimidating depending on how it's approached.
• Scenario B: Neither has significant memorization but both commit to learning together after marriage, making it a bonding activity.
• Scenario C: One completed hifdh (memorization) as a child but doesn't regularly revise or practice. The other knows less but has deeper understanding of meanings.

Beyond Memorization: This question can extend to:

• Do you understand what you recite?
• Do you reflect on the meanings?
• How does Quran influence your daily decisions?
• What's your goal regarding Quran relationship?

Different Paths, Same Destination: Some people connect through memorization, others through deep study of tafsir, others through emotional connection during recitation. What matters is that both value the Quran and want to grow in their relationship with it.

Questions to Explore Deeper:

• How can we motivate each other to improve our Quran relationship?
• What are our goals for ourselves and future children regarding Quran?
• How do we respectfully bridge different knowledge levels?

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Part 4: Values & Boundaries

11. "Your honest thoughts on polygamy?"

Why This Matters: This is perhaps one of the most avoided conversations, yet one that causes the most pain when not discussed upfront. Whether or not it's ever practiced, your stance reveals core values about trust, self-worth, and marriage expectations.

Real Examples:

• Scenario A: He says "it's Islamic so I might consider it someday" as a theoretical right. She hears "I might replace you or find you insufficient." This vague answer creates lifelong anxiety.
• Scenario B: She says "it's halal but not for me" and makes it a condition in the marriage contract. He feels she's restricting his Islamic rights, breeding resentment.
• Scenario C: Both discuss openly: his view of it as a rare circumstance with strict conditions (justice, ability to provide, wife's consent in their case), and her honest emotional capacity for it.

The Uncomfortable Truth: Polygyny (multiple wives) is halal in Islam but comes with strict conditions:

• Justice in time, money, and treatment
• Ability to provide for multiple families
• Valid reason beyond desire
• Many scholars say first wife's consent is required or strongly recommended

What This Question Really Asks:

• Do you believe in theoretical Islamic rights vs. practical application?
• How do you balance religious permissibility with emotional reality?
• What are your dealbreakers?
• Can you have honest conversations about uncomfortable topics?

Why Honesty Matters: Better to know now if this is a fundamental incompatibility than discover it years into marriage. Some men view it as an inalienable right; some women view it as emotional abuse. These are irreconcilable positions that should be known upfront.

Questions to Explore Deeper:

• Under what circumstances would you consider it?
• What conditions would need to be met?
• Is this a dealbreaker or something you're open to discussing?
• How do we respect Islamic permissibility while honoring emotional reality?

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12. "Does your family have expectations about which qabiil (clan) you marry into?"

Why This Matters: For Somalis, qabiil is complex — it's tribe, identity, political history, and social network. This question addresses whether your family's expectations will cause conflict in your marriage choice.

Real Examples:

• Scenario A: Her family accepts all qabiils except one specific one due to historical conflict. His family happens to be that qabiil. They must decide if love transcends tribal politics.
• Scenario B: His family expects him to marry within the same qabiil to preserve "bloodline purity." She's from a different qabiil. He must choose between family approval and his choice.
• Scenario C: Both families are open, but extended family members gossip, creating social pressure and uncomfortable family gatherings.

Islamic Perspective: Islam explicitly prohibits tribalism and discrimination based on lineage:

"O mankind, indeed We have created you from male and female and made you peoples and tribes that you may know one another. Indeed, the most noble of you in the sight of Allah is the most righteous of you." (Quran 49:13)

The Prophet ﷺ said: "There is no superiority of an Arab over a non-Arab, or of a non-Arab over an Arab, and no superiority of a white person over a black person or of a black person over a white person, except on the basis of personal piety and righteousness." (Ahmad)

The Reality: Despite Islamic teachings, qabiil discrimination remains prevalent in many Somali families. Couples must navigate this with wisdom, patience, and sometimes courage.

Questions to Explore Deeper:

• How much influence do family expectations have on your decision?
• Are you prepared to stand firm if family opposes based on qabiil?
• How do we handle family members who express qabiil-based prejudice?
• What do we teach our children about tribe and identity?

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13. "Would you share income or expenses with parents or siblings after marriage?"

Why This Matters: This question addresses financial boundaries and privacy in marriage — a major source of conflict, especially in cultures with strong extended family ties.

Real Examples:

• Scenario A: His mother asks how much his wife earns and where they spend their money. He sees no problem sharing this information. His wife feels violated and untrusted.
• Scenario B: She's very close to her sisters and discusses all marital details, including intimate financial struggles. He feels betrayed that their private matters aren't kept confidential.
• Scenario C: They agree on financial privacy, but his family becomes offended, viewing secrecy as disrespectful or evidence they're hiding wrongdoing.

Islamic Principle: Marriage has sanctity and privacy. While respecting and honoring parents is obligatory, marital privacy is also a right. The balance requires wisdom.

Different Cultural Norms:

• Some cultures view financial openness with parents as sign of respect and integrity
• Others view financial independence and privacy as sign of mature marriage
• Neither is inherently wrong, but couples must agree

Healthy Boundaries Look Like:

• Parents can express concern if they see financial recklessness
• Parents don't have right to detailed accounting of income and expenses
• Spouses don't need parental approval for financial decisions
• Major financial help from family may come with some accountability
• Emergency situations may require temporary financial transparency

Questions to Explore Deeper:

• What did financial boundaries look like in your family growing up?
• What information is appropriate to share vs. private?
• How do we respectfully establish boundaries without offending parents?
• What do we do if boundaries are repeatedly violated?

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14. "Your boundaries around friendships with the opposite gender?"

Why This Matters: This seemingly simple question reveals deep values about Islamic boundaries, trust, cultural norms, and relationship security. Assumptions here cause major trust issues if not aligned.

Real Examples:

• Scenario A: She works in mixed environment and has professional male colleagues she texts about work. He views any opposite-gender communication as inappropriate, creating constant suspicion.
• Scenario B: He maintains close friendships with female friends from university. She's uncomfortable but feels controlling if she expresses this.
• Scenario C: Both agree on strict Islamic boundaries in theory, but define "necessity" differently when it comes to opposite-gender interactions.

Islamic Guidelines:

• Interactions should be for necessity (work, education, business, dawah)
• Conversations should be professional, not personal/intimate
• Free mixing and khalwa (seclusion) are prohibited
• Lowering gaze and guarding chastity are obligatory
• Building emotional intimacy with non-mahram is not permissible

Modern Context Challenges:

• Work environments often require professional mixed interactions
• Social media creates gray areas (liking posts, DMs, following)
• Old friendships from before marriage need boundaries
• Islamic work in mixed settings (MSA, community events)

Questions to Explore Deeper:

• What does "necessity" mean to you?
• How do we handle work/school interactions?
• What about social media interactions?
• How do we build trust while maintaining boundaries?
• What do we do if we feel uncomfortable with a situation?

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Part 5: Support Systems & Conflict

15. "Who do you turn to when stressed about your relationship?"

Why This Matters: How you handle relationship stress reveals emotional maturity, support systems, and whether you protect your marriage's privacy or expose it to harmful advice.

Real Examples:

• Scenario A: Every time they argue, she calls her mother who then develops negative view of husband, poisoning their relationship long-term.
• Scenario B: He vents to male friends who give terrible advice ("just put her in her place, brother"), escalating conflicts.
• Scenario C: She posts vague social media statuses about relationship problems, inviting public speculation and judgment.

Unhealthy Outlets:

• Parents who take sides and hold grudges
• Friends who lack Islamic knowledge or maturity
• Social media venting
• Relatives who gossip
• Anyone who will simply validate you vs. give balanced advice

Healthy Outlets:

• Trusted Islamic counselor or imam with marriage training
• Mature, married Muslim friend who is trustworthy and wise
• Professional Muslim therapist
• Each other (learning to communicate directly)
• Allah — making dua and seeking guidance

Islamic Principle: The Prophet ﷺ said: "The most evil of people in the sight of Allah on the Day of Resurrection is the man who goes to his wife, and she goes to him, and then he spreads her secret." (Muslim)

While this refers specifically to intimate secrets, the principle extends to protecting your spouse's dignity and your marriage's privacy.

Questions to Explore Deeper:

• Who have you turned to in past relationship stress?
• What kinds of things should remain private vs. can be shared?
• How do we handle when we need outside help?
• What if parents or friends give advice that contradicts Islamic teachings?

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16. "When is it appropriate to involve family in marital matters?"

Why This Matters: This question determines whether family is helpful mediation or harmful interference in your marriage. In cultures with strong family ties, this boundary is crucial yet delicate.

Real Examples:

• Scenario A: Every disagreement, she runs to her mother, who calls him to "discipline" him. He feels disrespected and ganged up on, building resentment toward mother-in-law.
• Scenario B: They're struggling significantly but both refuse to involve family due to pride, letting problems fester into crisis when early intervention could have helped.
• Scenario C: His family expects daily involvement and feels shut out when the couple wants privacy, causing family rift.

When Family Involvement Is Helpful:

• Serious ongoing conflicts that couple can't resolve alone
• When Islamic mediation is needed (Quran 4:35)
• Financial problems affecting extended family
• Major life decisions requiring wisdom of elders
• When abuse or serious harm is occurring

When Family Involvement Is Harmful:

• Normal marital disagreements that couples should resolve themselves
• Every minor decision (controlling, not guiding)
• When family takes sides instead of mediating fairly
• When family lacks Islamic knowledge or maturity
• When involving them escalates rather than resolves

Islamic Model of Mediation: "And if you fear dissension between the two, send an arbitrator from his people and an arbitrator from her people. If they both desire reconciliation, Allah will cause it between them." (Quran 4:35)

Notice: arbitrators (wise, fair mediators), not the entire family. Not public airing of grievances.

Questions to Explore Deeper:

• How involved were parents in your siblings' marriages?
• What's our agreement on when to involve family?
• Who would we choose as fair mediators if needed?
• How do we handle family members who want involvement when we don't?

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17. "How do you typically handle anger or frustration?"

Why This Matters: Anger management determines whether conflicts escalate into abuse or resolve into growth. This question reveals emotional regulation, self-awareness, and potential red flags.

Real Examples:

• Scenario A: When angry, he shuts down completely, giving silent treatment for days. This emotional withdrawal is a form of punishment that creates insecurity and anxiety.
• Scenario B: She becomes verbally explosive, saying hurtful things she can't take back. Each argument leaves deeper wounds.
• Scenario C: He punches walls or throws objects when frustrated. While not directly abusive (yet), this is intimidation and warning sign of potential violence.

Healthy Anger Management:

• Recognizing anger before it peaks
• Taking space to calm down (with communication: "I need 30 minutes to think")
• Not making decisions or having serious discussions while angry
• Expressing frustration without attacking character
• Seeking to understand before being understood
• Knowing when you need help (therapy, anger management)

Islamic Guidance on Anger: The Prophet ﷺ said: "The strong person is not the one who can overpower others, but the strong person is the one who can control himself when angry." (Bukhari & Muslim)

When a man asked the Prophet ﷺ for advice repeatedly, he said each time: "Do not get angry." (Bukhari)

Warning Signs of Problematic Anger:

• Intimidation tactics (yelling, breaking things, hovering over person)
• Blame-shifting ("You made me angry")
• Refusal to take accountability
• Escalation to physical aggression
• Threats during anger
• Pattern of explosive reactions

Questions to Explore Deeper:

• Can you give examples of how you've handled anger in past?
• What are your triggers?
• What helps you calm down?
• Have you ever been told your anger is concerning?
• Are you willing to seek help if anger becomes a problem?

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Part 6: Parenting & Long-term Vision

18. "How would you like to raise children regarding deen, identity, and Somali values?"

Why This Matters: Parenting philosophy differences can tear marriages apart. You must be united on values you'll instill, how you'll discipline, and what success looks like for your children.

Real Examples:

• Scenario A: He wants children to attend Islamic school and prioritize Islamic studies. She wants them in mainstream schools with weekend Islamic classes for better career opportunities. Both view their approach as what's best for their children's akhirah and dunya.
• Scenario B: She wants to raise culturally proud Somali children who speak Somali, know history, and connect to heritage. He was raised in the West and views ethnic identity as less important than just being Muslim.
• Scenario C: They agree on Islamic values but disagree on strictness — she was raised with gentle parenting while he believes in stricter discipline and traditional respect models.

Key Areas to Align On:

Islamic Foundation:

• Formal Islamic education vs. informal home teaching
• Quran memorization expectations
• Masjid involvement and Islamic community
• Modesty standards (hijab timeline, dress code)
• Gender separation in teen years
• Halal/haram boundaries in activities, media, friendships

Cultural Identity:

• Somali language at home
• Connection to Somali culture, history, and heritage
• Frequency of visits to Somalia or Somali community events
• Balance between Somali culture and Western culture
• What cultural practices are important vs. optional

Modern Parenting Decisions:

• Public vs. private vs. Islamic vs. homeschool
• Technology and social media boundaries
• Discipline methods (gentle parenting vs. traditional strictness)
• Independence vs. family cohesion
• Career pressure and expectations
• When and how to discuss difficult topics (racism, identity, sexuality)

Questions to Explore Deeper:

• How were you raised and what do you want to replicate or change?
• What does successful child-raising look like to you?
• How do we balance deen, dunya, and cultural identity?
• What happens when we disagree on major parenting decisions?

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19. "What are your long term goals in faith, life, and career?"

Why This Matters: This question determines whether you're building a life together or living parallel lives that eventually diverge. Compatible long-term visions create partnership; incompatible ones create resentment.

Real Examples:

• Scenario A: She has career ambitions that require relocation and extensive travel. He envisions stable life near family with traditional home life. Neither is wrong, but they're going in different directions.
• Scenario B: His dream is to retire early and dedicate himself to Islamic work. She values professional achievement and career progression. Different definitions of success.
• Scenario C: She wants to eventually move back to Somalia to contribute to development. He's built his entire life in the West and never plans to relocate.

Life Visions to Discuss:

Spiritual Goals:

• Hajj plans and frequency
• Umrah
• Islamic knowledge pursuit (formal study, memorization goals)
• Dawah and community work
• Level of Islamic involvement and scholarship

Professional Goals:

• Career ambitions and trajectory
• Education plans (graduate degrees, certificates)
• Entrepreneurship or traditional employment
• Retirement age and plans
• Work-life balance expectations

Personal Goals:

• Where to live long-term
• Travel and adventure
• Hobbies and personal development
• Fitness and health
• Creative pursuits

Legacy Goals:

• What do you want to be remembered for?
• What impact do you want to make?
• What will you leave behind?
• How do you define life success?

Questions to Explore Deeper:

• Where do you see yourself in 5, 10, 20 years?
• What are you working toward?
• How does marriage fit into your larger life vision?
• What are you willing to sacrifice or compromise for marriage?

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20. "What's one thing you wish your future spouse truly understood about you?"

Why This Matters: This question invites vulnerability and depth. It's a chance to share something important about your inner world, struggles, or needs that you fear might be misunderstood or judged.

Real Examples:

• Scenario A: "I struggle with depression and there will be days I can't be the energetic partner you might want. I need you to understand it's not about you."
• Scenario B: "My relationship with my family is complicated due to past trauma. I need you to respect that I set boundaries not because I'm disrespectful, but because I'm healing."
• Scenario C: "I sometimes need a lot of alone time to recharge. It doesn't mean I don't love you; it's how I process and restore."

Things People Often Need Understood:

• Mental health struggles (anxiety, depression, PTSD, OCD)
• Past trauma and triggers (abuse, loss, difficult childhood)
• Learning differences or neurodivergence (ADHD, autism, dyslexia)
• Physical health conditions (chronic illness, infertility struggles)
• Deep wounds from past relationships or family dynamics
• Communication style differences (introversion, need for processing time)
• Love language and how you feel most loved
• Fears and insecurities you carry
• Spiritual struggles you're working through
• Dreams and passions that are core to your identity

Why This Question Is Powerful: It shifts the conversation from interrogation to intimacy, from evaluating to understanding. It says: "I want to know you, not just assess you."

Questions to Explore Deeper:

• What do you need your spouse to be patient with you about?
• What do most people misunderstand about you?
• What do you need in terms of support during difficult times?
• What makes you feel truly seen and understood?

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Conclusion: The Purpose of Deep Conversations

These 20 questions aren't meant to be a one-time checklist. They're conversation starters that should evolve throughout your engagement and marriage. Here's why this matters:

1. Preventing Misaligned Expectations

Most marital conflicts come from unspoken expectations. These questions force explicit conversations before resentment builds.

2. Building Authentic Connection

Surface-level conversations lead to surface-level marriages. Depth creates intimacy and understanding.

3. Revealing Compatibility

Attraction and chemistry are important, but shared values, aligned goals, and compatible approaches to life determine long-term success.

4. Protecting Your Marriage

Knowing your spouse deeply helps you fight for your marriage, not against each other. You become a team.

5. Honoring the Sunnah

The Prophet ﷺ emphasized knowing who you're marrying. He advised looking at and meeting potential spouses. These questions extend that wisdom — look beyond physical appearance into values, character, and life approach.

6. Avoiding Divorce

Many divorces happen because couples say: "I didn't know they were like this." These questions help you know before you commit.

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How to Use These Questions

During Engagement:

• Don't rush through all 20 in one sitting
• Allow time for reflection and honest answers
• Revisit questions as you get to know each other better
• Ask follow-up questions
• Pay attention not just to answers but to how they answer (defensiveness, openness, thoughtfulness)

Red Flags to Watch:

• Avoidance of certain topics
• Anger when questioned
• Dramatic differences in fundamental values
• Refusal to discuss difficult topics
• Answers that are "what you want to hear" vs. honest
• Pressure to move fast without deep conversation

Green Flags to Celebrate:

• Thoughtful, honest answers even when difficult
• Willingness to be vulnerable
• Respectful disagreement and openness to discussion
• Growth mindset ("I don't know but I'm willing to learn")
• Consideration of your needs and concerns
• Seeking Islamic guidance when unsure

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Final Thoughts: The Right Person

Finding the right person isn't about finding someone perfect. It's about finding someone whose values align with yours, who is willing to grow, who fears Allah, and who approaches marriage as a partnership.

These questions help you determine not just if you like someone, but if you can build a life with them. They reveal whether you're compatible in ways that matter for the long haul — not just for the wedding, but for the decades that follow.

May Allah guide you to a spouse who brings you closer to Him, who helps you fulfill half your deen, and with whom you find tranquility and mercy as promised in the Quran:

"And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy." (Quran 30:21)